Cheery! Cheery? Where did you go?

I found my cheery self not long after my last post and then lost cheery again! Argh pregnancy moodswings are the worst. I did find out that I have Gestational Diabetes, the good news is that my doctor is giving me a chance to keep it under control with my diet although I think he felt compelled to put me on medication. I have been doing good though, my blood sugar has stayed around 110 other than my last test was 138 just over what my nurse said to stay under.
The only problem is that I ran out of test strips, I have to wait for my prescription and don't know how long that'll take. I am one of those people who function best in an exact numbered world so checking my blood sugar gives me some sort of focus.
In any case, only 4 more months! I will make sure to update this on one of my better mood swings maybe cheery will come back:)

Have you seen my cheery self?

I am pretty sure my cheery self has fallen off the face of this earth. I am so frusterated that my doctor hasn't gotten back to me that I am losing it. I am having blood sugar issues, or atleast I am pretty sure I am. This often directly affects my mood. I am sure that the ketones found in my urine were not from not eating enough as my on call doctor would like me to believe but in his defense he is only my on call doctor. I am positive that I have gestational diabetes again, like in my last pregnancy and that is the real reason for the ketones in my urine. This becomes a problem because my doctors have told me to eat more but the problem with this is that if I do have gestational diabetes I am only making myself sicker by eating more. I feel like poo right now and I am just yucky too.
So if you have seen my cheery self anywhere please tell her to come home, preferably before the doctor calls me back or I feel the need to call him....

Mood swings...

You know when some one is pregnant eventually if not the whole time there will be mood swings. I don't remember this part with my last pregnancy, I was just all too excited to be pregnant.
This time not so much, don't get me wrong I am excited to welcome little Jaden into this world. Just not so excited about all the wonderful things that go along with pregnancy. Like this mood swing I am in. EVERY single thing is bugging me! My kids are driving me up the wall! No they're not being obnoxious to everyone just me. Screaming, laughing, growling, and jumping all over the furniture is not a rare occurance in this house; I should be used to it by now. Most of the time I think it's hilarious or atleast enjoyable. Right now, I could just string my children up by their toes and duct tape their mouthes shut! Ok, maybe not...lol:) Sitting inside is driving me bananas too, its raining and yucky outside. Not a whole lotta cash this way so no escaping the house. My poor husband looking at the computer because he's bored is driving me crazy too. Although he handed over the computer. Such a good husband, lol;) He's now wrestling the kids in the living room making sure they don't realize that I'd like to string them up, lol:)
Ahhh if only this yucky anxiety bored tired feeling would just up and swing away!
Until then I will grit my teeth and smile at my beautifully obnoxious family like a good pregnant mommy, lol:)

Love God.

Dear Melissa,
I am still in charge.
Love,
God

I read at someone's house once and I loved it.
After my 4H realization and working on my parenting. I started thinking about just me in general.
I have a tendancy to take things on by myself. Like I have to be able to take care of everything. A huge example of this is the fear of having a baby boy.
I am pregnant with a little boy! Jaden, who is due to enter this world Febuary 24th, 2011. At first I was incredibly excited! Then scared, and still nervous. Earlier I told you all that I didn't think I was capable of having a boy. Wierd I know, but a good friend reminded me that I wasn't the one creating this little boy; God is. God gave me the gift of this little boy, as well as the gift of getting to be a part of his creation.
The fear stemmed from me never having been a boy before and having no way of teaching him how to be a boy. Apparently they come that way as my dear husband reminded me. But as he reminded me of this he also reminded me that I am not doing this alone. My children have an amazing father who has been a boy before!
Letting go and relying on others isn't my strong point. This is probably most obvious in the fact that my children hardly go to anyone's house or get babysat.
So not only do I have to work on parenting and not saving my children from everything that could make them feel bad outside of our home, but I also have to remember to rely on others.
The note from God, is a hard one for me to remember. To rely on God and trust that he will take care of my children, even if something happens to me my children are really not just my children. They are God's children first and he loves them much more than I could ever love them. He has a wonderful plan for them, much more amazing than the one I have thought up. I struggle with this most out of anything. I fear not being there for my children more than anything.

I was called out....

In front of everyone at Jacob's first 4H meeting. All the parents laughed at me, but to be honest I laughed at myself too. I apparently try to fix all of my children's problems for them. So Jacob was having a hard time controlling Charlie (his 6m old pup) while trying to introduce himself to the group. Mom to the rescue! I start walking towards the little circle of kids with their pups to help calm Charlie down and as I get halfway to the group, errrch! I stop in mid tracks, I can't remember just what the teacher said but I wasn't allowed to come save my little boy. As the parents laugh, I walk backwards back to my place and hold my hands tightly together trying not to go save him. "He's going to be just fine", I tell myself. Acceptance is the first step right?
Then there were a few other instances where he was trying but having a hard time controlling his bouncy pup. Well apparently 4H dog obedience is all about learning how to train your dog on your own....I guess I missed that part...:)
Well anyway, this led me to think about all the times I try to take care of my kids problems. This doesn't really happen at home, they are very much responsible for all their problems at home......well to a degree.....for the most part? This led me to think about all the times that I save them from 'embarrassment' in front of their friends, or 'missing out' on anything outside of our home.
You know that moment when you suddenly realize that you are trying to prevent all the problems you had as a child from reaching your children and then you kinda go overboard? Then your kids don't just get along nicely without these 'very detrimental' problems, but they get the added gift of not really learning how to deal with these problems. Then they start manipulating you...well that may be where were at now.
Don't get me wrong my kids aren't horrible but in public they don't seem to think of consequences much, probably because they just get a lot of warnings and whispered threats of later punishments.
So I have been trying very hard not to give in just because I don't want my kids to miss out. Like the other day Jacob was invited to go to the park with one of his friends and his friends Mom and oh man did I want to say yes, what a great time he would have! The only problem? He just got in big trouble for lying and being rude to his baby sister, and he had to stay in his room until dinner. I won't lie, I wished and washed about this for a moment with a big long ehhhhhhhhh....trying desperately to think of a way he could go but still deal with his punishment. I sadly couldn't think of a way and very guiltily said no, and apologized profusely. Yes I pulled through!
One day at a time, I am getting better. I just have to remember that this is what's best for my kids. There will be other opportunities for fun.

Not only a Mom....

Not only am I a Mom but I am an older sister. As a child it meant that I had an honry little red headed knobby kneed spoiled little sister that I loved more than anything and who absolutely drove me insane! As well as a little sister I barely knew and barely saw. As a teenager I obtained a brother and 2 sisters, which is a completely different sibling relationship than a childhood sibling. I was able to care for my siblings and have them over at my house for the weekend. I have grown to love my siblings unconditionally, the bond we share is incredible and completely different.
I am the oldest of 6 kids all mixed and matched, and I love it. Now as an adult I am incredibly blessed to love these 5 very unique individuals with ages ranging from 7-21yrs old. They bring about so many different joys.
Right now the ones I most see are my 21 year old sister who is pregnant with her 2nd child and seems to need me a bit more now than she has since she was 16yrs old. I am loving it, and any day now I will be meeting my new niece Addison:) I love how our relationship has come through the hard times, from being incredibly close to me pulling away and then her pulling away we are now building up a new adult sisterhood that I think will be even better:)
Then there is my 13yr old sister who is in middle school, whew! Middle school is tough! I skipped around to 4 different middle schools so I never really settled down into a routine enough to realize how difficult middle school was. I fear for her and worry about her a lot, there are so many things going on at this age that I'm not sure she's getting all the help or attention she needs. What if she makes horrible mistakes that scar her for life? I guess thats why Im here to love and guide her through these times no matter how dark or scary they get. But even though this is a tough time, there are moments that are amazing and wonderful. Bright shining, hilarious and loving moments that help me get through this and Im sure help her too.
God entrusted me with almost 4 kids of my own, 5 siblings, and 2 neighbor kids that all depend on my direction and love. 4 of which are dangerously creeping in on teenage hood. How on earth am I going to survive? As soon as those are almost done Ive got 2 more who will be teenagers and then another, not to mention whatever other kiddos fall upon my path! God must really believe in me. Regardless I love it, I love being a part of these kids lives, these little people who will one day grow into adults...

Baby Jaden:)

Now almost 21 weeks pregnant the reality that I am going to be a Mom to 4 kids is finally dawning on me! Whew God has a mighty plan and has a lot more confidence in my abilities than I do at times:) With faith in his plan I am going to do my best to stay on top of my duties as a Mom:)

When I found out I was having a boy I was so excited! I just didn't know I was capable of making boys, wierd right? Then I started getting scared, what if I can' t be a really good Mom to a boy? I have a son but he was 4 1/2 when I became his Mom and was already all boy. I didn't have to make decisions like how to potty train him or whether or not to circumcise... but thankfully I have my faith and know that God is just keeping me on my toes:) How great is it to be entrusted with 4 lives? God gave me the gift of being a mother and shared with me the miracle of bringing forth life! There is nothing more amazing than that!

I can't wait until febuary when I get to meet my new son face to face, I love getting to feel him move and kick and to see him on ultrasounds and hear his heartbeat:)